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 In Other Newz -September 2003-
An Opinionated Critical Look at
The News
by Douglas Chick

Music industry settles 52 of 263 file-swapping lawsuits
TheNetworkAdministrator (TNA) –The recording industry on Monday announced settlements with 52 of the 261 Internet users it sued over allegations they illegally permitted others to download music from their computers using popular file-sharing software. So far they’ve received, 37 piggy banks totaling $127.68, the lunch monies of 10 more until they finish high school, and the remaining 3 were undisclosed but were quoted as saying that the record industry are a bunch of big poopy-heads.

Stock Buyers Swing Back Into Action
TheNetworkAdministrator (TNA) – Stock buyers took control on Wall Street today; pulling the stock market out of the dive that took 300 points off the Dow Jones industrial average last week. In other news: 300 elderly people reported that their retirement funds have vanished from their savings accounts. The feds assigned an ex-Enron executive to head the investigation. 

France, Germany and Russia Agrees to Back U.S. Iraqi Reconstruction
TheNetworkAdministrator (TNA) – In a surprise announcement today, France, Germany and Russia agrees to back U.S. Iraqi reconstruction efforts, with a small provision that President Bush gets his head examined and no one ever uses the term Benifer again, referring to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez…ever again. In related news: Rumors have emerged from Hollywood that Ben Affleck and Anne Hezhe might star together in a romantic comedy titled, Bengay.

The Gallup Polls are in
TheNetworkAdministrator (TNA) – Gallup polls report that the “majority” of Americans are pleased with the way the country is being run into the ground, agree that gross products, stocks, and jobs needed to be deflated, and that those that oppose soft campaign contributions, telemarketing and question government spending, are not good Americans. 

Do Not Call, Called Unconstitutional
TheNetworkAdministrator (TNA) – Telemarketers and other annoying bastards who argue that the FTC unfairly favors one kind of speech over another since the list applies to telemarketers but not to nonprofit organizations, politicians and pollsters. The FTC responded by stating that no one really gives a shit.

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