Can they hear you break wind in space

In The Vacuum of Space by Douglas Chick

If you were to look up the definition of space in the Websters Dictionary it might read: Space, a limitless expanse that exist between planets and stars. It may even talk about such things as vacuums or stellar nurseries or the relationship between space and time. However, if you were to ask Ensign Hill of the Space Ship McArthur you would get a completely different description.

Space sucks!      What was that? Asked Captain Marsh.      Nothing Sir.      You said something? Speak up son; no need to mince words here in space. We are all men.        And women too, sir.      What was that? asked the captain.      There are women too, sir.      Of course there is, Hinkle. Thats right. I bet a young bloke like yourself misses a little female companionship.      Sir?      When was the last time you took shore leave? The captain asked.      Ive never taken shore leave sir.      Never taken shore leave? Every man needs shore leave.      And woman.      Whats that?      And woman, sir. Women need shore leave too.       Of course they do young, Hilly. Every one should take shore leave when its available. Just a few days ago when we were taking on supplies back at that red planet. Didnt you have a chance to go sow some of those young man oats?      Sow some oats, sir.      You heard. Everyone needs a little time at the plow, even your captain. We are going to be out here a long time, you should have taken advantage of it while you had a chance.      No sir, you canceled shore leave. No one went.       I did? Hmm, I must have had a darn good reason for it.      You said that too much shore leave was for slackers. A good crew is an dedicated crew.      Did I? Thats brilliant! he chuckled, pleased with himself. I must say sometimes I impress even myself. In my academy days my classmates used to call me Old Iron Pants.      Did they sir?      Actually, now that I think about it I dont think they did. The captain looked thoughtful for a moment. Anyways, a captain is always looking out for what is best for his underlings.      Yes sir.      You know, Hider, a captain can sometimes be a little too business, shiny medals and that sort of thing. Wheres our next port? Well stop for an extended leave there.      There isnt one sir.      There isnt one. Thats odd, Hinkle. Theres always a space port.      We are on a deep space exploration and wont see another port for 120 years.      Oh my. I hope the lads arent too miffed with me.      I wouldnt say, miffed, sir.      Good, good. I shall make it up to them. Ill dig out some of my old holiday pictures and well sit around the galley and the men can see the types of places that their captain likes to take holiday.      We have heard rumors sir.      Of course you have, Hiller. Yes the lads will love me for that.      And the women sir.      Are you still on about the women? You better suck it in and put it away. 120 years is a long time before we see females again. Its better if you dont think about it. Why once I was stationed on an outpost for 4 years, not women for 10,000 light years. Do you know what me and the other lads did, we made due, thats what we did.      Im sure that you did, sir.      Do you know why, Hiller? Because we are men of the space corp.      Sir, half of the crew are females, sir.       What was that, woman you say--since when? No one told me about this. Who was the officer on duty? Find me the ships recruiter. Must be those darn liberals. Messing about in this mans army. Young boys cant do their jobs with a bit of skirt bobbing around, distracting them from their sworn duties. A glance here, a look see there, the next thing you know the lads are lured into a sexual communal and half of their pay is given to one of these military harlots. I dont like it one bit, not one bloody bit, Himler.      Yes sir.      The captain leaned down into the console, pushed a small red button and said.      This is your captain. I want all senior officers and the ships doctor to meet with me at 0800 hours in the captains office. That is all.      He smiled and turned to the crewmen and said. Ill snip this type of inappropriate behavior in the butt.

The Ensign placed one hand on her stomach and could feel it move as it made a gurgling sound. The captain didnt notice.      You know Ensign, said the captain as he slowly looked around the ships bridge. I remember the bridge being much larger than this with more blinking lights and buttons--definitely more buttons. Im no ships engineer but wouldnt a ship of this size have more buttons and lots of blinking lights?      The ensign didnt reply. She continued to press against the uneasiness of her stomach.      And isnt there suppose to be large screen with a picture of space on it. Why arent we looking at a large screen filled with specks of light      You mean, Stars?     "That it, Hillary, stars and you know space things.     We are not on the bridge anymore sir.      By Mike, I knew something was out of place. You cant pull much over this captains eyes. Why arent we here and not on the ships main bridge?      There isnt a ships bridge anymore. The men needed the parts.      And women, ensign. Its not PC to forget about our brave women.      No sir.      Parts for what? asked the captain.      The new ship.      The new ship ensign?      Yes sir. The crew decided to construct a new ship from the parts of the old one to go back home.      Im afraid I dont follow you, ensign.      It is simply; the crew didnt like the idea of spending the next 120 years in space and decided they wanted to go home. And since no one could over ride the navigation computer, they simply built a new ship from the parts of the existing one and pointed it in the opposite direction.      Are you telling me that the crew are mutineersit was the womenI knew something like this would happen. If only I could have gotten to them first. Broke the backs of the conspirators. My first command lost to a mutiny.        No sir. Someone looked it up and discovered that it would only be mutiny if they commandeered this ship, arrested the captain and then turned the ship around. Since they build a completely new ship, technically it wasnt mutiny.      Thank goodness. He said wiping the sweat from his forehead. The sad thing is if they would have only confided in me, we could have worked something out.      I think they were afraid that youd have them shot, sir.      I damn bloody well would have too, the traitor cowards. He looked around again, So what is this then?      They assembled this section out of pieces that they couldnt use.      "Well thats something then, isnt it?      Hows that? asked the ensign.      They thought enough of me to build this small vessel. And what about you, you didnt abandon your captain. And he began patting the ensign on the shoulder. Stayed beside your captain to the end. I hope they didnt rough you up too much when you took my side.      Space flagellants, sir.      It is a shame, but no need to use bad language.      No sir. They put me here because of space flagellants.      Space flagellants? What a terrible condition to have. I heard of a chap that tooted his way across the entire system before he blew up his entire squad. Its a dangerous condition to have I hear.      "Thats why they sealed me in here with you, sir.      Why I dont have space flagellants. Insisted the captain. Good lord no. Ive always taken care of myself when it comes to the alien foods. I once came down with a case of the pealing testis butits you isnt it?      Yes, Im afraid so sir.

Bugger that. Excuse my language but some situations call for tough words.

Its alright sir. Its almost at its end.

Glad to hear it. Said the captain in a more positive tone. You know, dont see much of a way around it. I fear that we too will have to disobey orders and return home.

The ensign gave the captain a belligerent look as she leaned over and pushed the only button on a cardboard control panel, badly drawn with crayons and no blinking lights. 

This ship doesnt have any boasters does it? asked the captain.

Nope.

Guidance system?

The ensign only nodded no again.      What about communications. Certainly they left us with a radio?

Nope, no radio, no boaster and not computer guidance system.      The Captain began to become visibly agitated. How the hell are we suppose to check our life support system and other shipboard functions without a computer!      I dont think thats going to be an issue. Quit frankly Im surprised that weve stayed alive this long.

Well son, I dont what to be a negative Nellie, but I do believe that we may be buggered.

Ensign Hill began to feel her stomach swell as if there was a massive build up.      Im a woman, sir and youre an idiot.

Yes, funny thing that.

Somewhere near the left outer most spiral arm of the Milky way galaxy was an insignificant blue flash of light that wasnt large enough to register on any scientific instrumentation but did create a pocket of negative pressure long enough for space not to suck.