archive

How To Install Software

By Douglas Chick
imported archive

How To Install Software - A 12 Step Program --author anonymous

  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box   that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.   It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS        -------------------        2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER        628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM        719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE        3546 MB RAM        432323 MB ROM        05948737 MB RPM        ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM        2 TURTLE DOVES        NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

  1. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.  This will contain   detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the   software.  Throw it away.

  2. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a    3.5-inch  floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT        -------------------        By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all        the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever        reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the        Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks        and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the        Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the        right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as        well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or        leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's        early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...

  1. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),   please install this on my computer."

  2. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the   appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.

  3. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

  4. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

  5. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the   following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what        would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?        Choose one, and be honest:

+-----+     +------+

| YES |     | SURE |

+-----+     +------+

  1. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a   very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.   Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that   when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new   device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the installation   program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and   sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of   mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."

  2. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS!        The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your        computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.        If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness        of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should        immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$$%25@&^^)$!#$_$)*^^&

  1. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the    federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

  2. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline number listed on the package and    wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,    step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

E-mail