Blessed are the Geeks, for they shall internet the earth

End-User Soup
Douglas Chick

In the past, I've been pretty hard on end-users in some of my articles and I'm not sure all of them deserve to be bunched in together. This is why in my infinite wisdom I have taken it upon myself to create end-user categories. Starting with some of the smarter ones and working our way down to...well, lets just say those that are little computer challenged. 

End-users come in many different shapes, colors and problem solving abilities. The only thing that they do have in common is they complain that their computer is broken, but when you get there you find nothing is wrong. Below are some End-user categories. 

Joke Mailers: are those users that are constantly e-mailing jokes to all of their friends, and searching the Internet for endearing stories that warm the heart. These people typically have pictures of their cats and children around their monitors. Hackers and malicious virus makers depend heavily on these people spreading their cat stories and viruses warnings. Late one evening I once had an opportunity to flag one with my car in the parking lot, but hesitated and lost the opportunity. 

Laptop users. Laptop users are those individuals that always complain that something is wrong with their laptop, but when you suggest leaving it with you to repair, they panic and say, it's probably nothing. I'm reasonably sure that laptops are where the world's supply of porn is being archived and these users are sworn to protect it. 

Monitor Decorators: This user fancies him or herself as a monitor decorator. They ornament their monitor with so many small bits of debris that there is an actual gravitational shift to the left, and the monitor has to be periodically degaussed. And of course there are rare occasions that these users are sometimes lost to the presents of a quantum singularity. (of mini black holes) Abandon any attempt to recycle this monitor for another user. The gooey sticky residue left on the monitor after these items are removed, makes the monitor a better rodent trap than computer monitor. Monitor Decorators and Joke Mailers sometimes interact in same sex partnering. 

Paranoid Users: this end-user is extremely paranoid, to the extent that they think you can see them through their monitor. There's no convincing this user that you're not somehow electronically spying on them as they work. You'll have more fun feeding their paranoia by: whenever these people walk past, immediately stop what you're doing and suspiciously follow them with your eyes. Force them to change their password every seven days. Run a defrag program on their system every time they walk away from it. Paranoid users also seem to have a cat or two, although they are too paranoid to display its pictures.

Novice: are those that can perform higher task such as, changing the desktop, browsing the network for open shares and knowing how to clear their Internet History. Novice are the most dangerous of the end-users a company can have, they are constantly screwing up their settings, deleting system files to make room for more song files and are always blaming their latest disaster on Microsoft. Novice user are always reporting the reason that their working isn't done is because the IS department is always on their computer.  It is important to identify the Novice early so that can install a more restrictive operating system on their computer until you can get them fired.  

Nervous Users: Nervous End-users are those that think that they are going to be blamed for everything. Whatever goes wrong on their computer has the potential of being their fault. They are so afraid of the computer that they must be catered to like helpless children. It is difficult to not be quickly aggravated with this type of user. As a network administrator or help desk technician it is your responsibility--no--it is your duty as a computer professional to help these individual seek employment elsewhere. Sometimes looks towards Paranoid User for cat advice.  Nervous socializes with Novice, relies on Joke Mailer for advice on personal matters.

Font and Pointer Changers: These users just piss me off.

 




 


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