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End-user Profiling
by Doug Chick
 The
term End-user is a reference used to describe a computer user, that is
someone that doesn't work in the IT Department. End-users are also
frequently called, PEBCAK,
(Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard),
Lusers, idiots, dump-asses, little brains and lobs, but not to their
faces. Well, mostly not to their faces. This resentment between computer
professional and computer users mainly stems from the end-users
unwillingness to retain basic instruction and the odd manner is which they
try licking off the letters O and E from their computer keyboard went no
one’s around. End-users themselves also harbor ill will towards the IT
department because they believe that computer people are arrogant and always
trying to make them feel stupid. They are insulted over rumors that the IT
department uses a formula based on the amount of cat picture an end-user has
on his or her desk to determine their mental competence. And these people
are convinced that the word “Reboot” is used to trigger a secret camera
that is built into their monitors used to spy on them.
Network Administrators and Helpdesk techs will argue that
these accusations are absurd. It is also
computer peoples assertion that they have never intentionally tried
to make any of these idiots feel stupid. Furthermore, the rebooting of an
End-users computer actually servers to remove a conflicting program stored
in the computers memory chip. Only in a secondary capacity do they entertain
themselves with a contest on who can have the most computers rebooted in a
single day. Although some may admit that larger companies actually have the
budget to sport a system that registers reboots and causes little electronic
horses to race around a digital race track. And where the winner receives an
all expense paid trip to the Sci-fi convention of their choice, while the
loser is forced to sit in the phone closet and monitor all of the end-users
through the camera that is built directly into their monitors. As to the
notion that there might be End-user profiling, that part at least is true
and it goes something like this:
End-user
Profiling
·
If there are more than 3 cat pictures on one desk and less
than 5, that person is assigned the value of 22.
·
If there are more then 6 pictures and less then 15 then they
are assigned the value of 140.
By
using these values and multiplying them by the number of religious
ornamentation or messages of spiritual strength that are also sometimes
found around an end-users desk and you will come up with the exact number of
times that these people will call the help desk in a one month period.
Computer people insist that these numbers are always accurate.
Any
number of cat pictures higher than 15, the end-users computer is taken away
and replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch
Ò.
Once
this occurs, rebooting consists of a rapid shaking motion directed
over ones head. If they have to reboot their Etch-A-Sketch
more than 4 times in any given day, they are looking at porn and it too is
removed. An average sized IT department can only support up to 5
Etch-A-Sketch users per company.
Another
trait of the end-user is; End-user denial. Also known as sudden-system-death
syndrome. Sudden-system-death syndrome is when an end-users laptop doesn’t
work because it is filled with diet coke, or they put a disk in their
computer from home or unplugged it from the power strip to make way for
their radio. When asked what was the last action taken before their computer
stopped responding, they immediately become extremely nervous and agitated
and quickly deny any knowledge or accountability. In a strange phenomena
occurs, that even the end-user can not later explain to themselves,
they try blaming the entire incident on the very person that is there to
help them. This also has a term, but I can’t accurately say it without
first becoming inebriated while standing in 3 feet of pig dung.
You
can read more about this in a book that I am currently writing titled, The
bitter Network Administrators Infinitive Encyclopedia of Computer End-users,
or 101 Things You Can Do From A Prison Cell.
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E-mail
your comments to dougchick@thenetworkadministrator.com
